The Mediator

Every being that wants to control its own behavior needs alternatives. We decide for right or left, up or down, cold or warm when we can assess these directions or characteristics and choose between them. With the help of imaging techniques, we can now observe that there is a complex interaction between different areas of the brain. It looks as if there are different functional areas that are activated depending on the situation. If we observe the decision-making behavior of different personalities, these essential alternatives become apparent.

Orientation: We can orient ourselves towards facts, structures and contexts. We tend to perceive this as cool and rational. We call the need that motivates us to do this: rationality. When we allow ourselves to be guided by the possible effects of our behavior, we usually experience this as warm and emotional. We call this need: Empathy.

Development: All development is change and may involve risks. If we want to avoid danger, we stay down, on the ground. The need for safety strives for stability. A life without development is stagnation and makes little sense. We want to develop our abilities and make progress. The need to assert ourselves makes us strive for the top.

** Relationship:** As a lonely person, we would not survive the first few years. We need a family. The need to integrate and fit in is what we call belonging. We need to be sensed as an independent person, otherwise we would be overlooked or ignored. We call the need for individuality recognition.

There are six different directions in which we are drawn. As each of them is vital, we call them basic needs.

• Rationality: If we do not perceive reality, we are helplessly lost.
• Empathy: We need to assess the effects of our actions in order not to be attacked by others.
• Safety: If we want to survive, we must be aware of dangers in good time and react appropriately.
• Enforcement: If you want to live, you have to take care of your needs and fight for them if necessary.
• Belonging: We cannot survive alone in this world.
• Recognition: Even as a small child, we would die if we were overlooked.

In our dreams and fantasies, we sensing these opposing forces as persons or personality traits. We can imagine that these six representatives of basic needs meet in an old knight’s hall and take their places according to our personality. This could look like this for the mediator:

The two orientation needs of rationality and empathy take the lead. In order to be able to react immediately when action is needed, enforcement and safety sit right next to them. When things are calmer, belonging and recognition come into play. These two also have an existential significance, but require less immediate reactions.

These meetings of the inner team, with the usual discussions and the struggle for the best possible decision, happen unconsciously. Our ‘self’ moderates these processes and uses common goals and values that are accepted by everyone in the inner team. This works well when all those involved get their due.

It is important to align all conflicting aspirations with common goals.

From an early age, each member of the inner team has their own specific experience of the question: What do I need to do to

act rationally and sensibly (rationality), integrate myself (belonging), to be valued (recognition), to be successful (enforcement), to avoid danger (safety) and to live live harmoniously and peacefully (empathy)?

Throughout our lives, we train the best behaviors for each need, developing skills that can also benefit the other members of our inner team:

• Rationality (black) analyzes situations and ongoing change processes. It wants sensible solutions.

• Empathy (white) wants to act responsibly and observes possible effects.

• Safety (green) is an attentive observer. It recognizes risks and ensures order and reliability.

• Enforcement (red) fights to achieve goals. It has vision and takes spontaneous action when opportunities arise.

• Belonging (yellow) ensures common ground through coordination. It takes care of communication.

• Recognition (blue) is critical, strives for the best, compares and evaluates alternatives. It ensures quality.

As long as this inner distribution of tasks works well, we experience that our energy flows, that we are inwardly satisfied and that we can be sure of achieving our goals.

Our conscious thinking is always called upon when this unconscious team is not in agreement. We experience through thoughts or feelings that something is missing or needs a conscious decision.   …